Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
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HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
this is what they would have looked like, though
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.