good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
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True freaking story!
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.