Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
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I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]