What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
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I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Sell your car
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*