And then there were 4
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Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.