“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
You Might Also Like
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
your honor my client chooses dare
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour