*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
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I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys