[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
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Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.