Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
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Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Warm pools make me nervous.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.