If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
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Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Buck naked
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
i would wish you the best but i am the best
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.