The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
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Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
I’m already scared
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*