Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
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Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.