Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
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me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Taco Bell, Exit 22
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
bury ourselves
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?