I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
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Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
The sacred texts.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?