COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
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I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!