The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
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For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Proctology is located in A55
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
I’m good, thanks.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES