God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
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Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
reviewed some movies recently
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.