Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
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If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
Close call…
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not