interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
You Might Also Like
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.