Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
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Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now