Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
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My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Finished stitching this today 😇
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.