Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
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Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
forgive me baja for i have blast
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
what’s the point then??