Grow up never but we old may grow we
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I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000