Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
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A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
This is my bus stop.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.