The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
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Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Meow
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*