If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
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(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
I know
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.