I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
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Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Going to church you guys need anything
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”