Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
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My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
and now we wait
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo