The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
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Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.