Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
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Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.