Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
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Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
*limbos away from your hug*
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!