[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
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I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
My kitchen overserved me.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Who’s your best friend?
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.