my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
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BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up