When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
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[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.