*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
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[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti