Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
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cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Seas the day!!!!
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.