People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
You Might Also Like
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
The options really are this bad
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.