Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
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I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose