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My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
japanese corn
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn