I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
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2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you