2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
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Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
rise and shine we got egg
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.