Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
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…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt