I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
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[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
my first dose meeting my second
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Time heals everything 🙂
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶