Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
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The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
why I oughta
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Yup
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼