A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
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[the middle of showering] I need a break
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.