Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
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a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing