me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
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It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”