Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
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I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
my lower back watching me try to live my life
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
My birthstone is kidney