Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
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My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”