The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
You Might Also Like
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.